I Infiltrated a Cult

Have you ever seen an alien?

I haven’t. But I have seen the next best thing: Nikocado Avocado. If UFOs ever visit Earth, and we have to nominate one human being to represent us, my vote goes to him.

If you’re unfamiliar with Nikocado, then consider yourself blessed. He makes YouTube videos where he binges on junk food, and frequently has excruciatingly toxic arguments with his husband, Orlin. In fact, his content is so disgusting that I often find myself thinking that it’s performance art, unable to process the possibility that it is real.

Interestingly, despite how vile his content is, he has a massive fanbase. Almost as though people get a bizarre sort of pleasure from watching his degeneracy.

In any case, I was browsing YouTube the other day when I saw a video of him in my recommended page. It was entitled “That looks like salad,” and had over 200,000 views.

For reasons unclear to me, I clicked on the video. However, before I could watch it, an ad popped up. Most of the time I pay no attention at all to YouTube ads, but this one captured my attention. This was the ad:

Intrigued, I gave “Elzzie 2028” a quick Google search. This search led me to a website, which led me to a YouTube channel, which led me to a Discord server. I quickly realized that this Discord server was something of a cult. People on the server were discussing their experiences with aliens, for example, and talking about their plans to get Elzzie, the woman in the ad, elected President in 2028.

Previously, it had been a lazy day. But now, I had a mission: infiltrate the cult. So I posted a message wishing Elzzie good luck in the Presidential race, and then talked with the other cult members for a bit, pretending to be one of them.

Soon, I was an active and respected member of the community. So respected, in fact, that I became friends with Elzzie over Discord. So the next time you laugh at me, just remember: I’m Discord friends with the future President of the United States.

Despite having gotten relatively deep into the community, though, I still had unanswered questions. Who was this mysterious “Elzzie”? How was she in contact with aliens? And why was she running for President?

Since we were now Discord friends, I decided to ask her these questions myself. From her answers, we are able to piece together her story.

Elzzie was born in Orange Country, California, in the late 90’s. Her dad was the president of a software company, and her mom was a stay at home alcoholic. As a child, Elzzie was into dance and Girl Scouts. She had average grades in school, but struggled a lot at home due to her mom’s alcoholism. This drove her to experiment with drugs in high school. She ended up going to community college, and later transferred to a 4 year college in San Diego, but dropped out before she graduated, due to family reasons.

After dropping out, she eventually returned to school in Portland, Oregon, where she got a degree in computer programming. From there, she used her programming skills to make a living as a marketing manager, until her grandfather died. This pushing her to switch jobs, and she started working as a full-time caretaker for her grandmother, who had dementia. Last summer, however, Elzzie’s grandmother died, leaving her out of work.

So where do UFOs and running for President fit into all of this?

According to Elzzie, she is in possession of a magical artifact, which she bought from an art dealer. This artifact is known as an unguentarium, and it is from Jerusalem. Elzzie has posted the following image of it on the Discord server:

Upon posting the image, the first thing one of Elzzie followers said was “drink Baja Blast from it,” to which Elzzie replied “I’m already cursed enough lol.”

Elzzie believes that this magical artifact allows her to get into contact with extraterrestrials in flying saucers. When asked what the saucers looked like, she posted this gif:

According to Elzzie, the aliens use their saucers to abduct human beings, and also sometimes animals. The aliens then extract fat from their victim, which they use as a burnt offering during magical rituals. These magical rituals, Elzzie says, have connections to Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and other religions. She quotes Liviticus 3:16, for example: “And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire for a sweet savour: all the fat is the Lord’s.” She also says that the religious idea of angels is a reference to the aliens that she is in contact with.

Elzzie tells us that there are millions of these aliens, and that they have a plan to revolutionize human society. They want to elect her President, she says, so that she can use blockchain technology to update our democracy by abolishing the electoral college. She is very confident that she will win the election in 2028, and expects America to be radically changed by 2036.

“I won’t stop until I’m assassinated,” Elzzie says.

This is all well and good, but at some point, we are forced to ask the inevitable question: is Elzzie bullshitting us? One of the top comments on her YouTube channel, for example, is “Lmao this is some top tier trolling, gotta respect the dedication.” There has also been widespread speculation that her Presidential campaign might be an ARG. I wanted to bring this up on the Discord server, but I couldn’t, because saying anything that might invalidate Elzzie’s claims is considered “trolling,” and is against the rules.

On Elzzie’s server, I take Elzzie seriously, mostly to avoid being banned for trolling. However, Elzzie’s claims are extraordinary, and in the words of Carl Sagan, “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” And, unfortunately, a colorful gif is not extraordinary evidence for the existence of UFOs. So we don’t have any strong reason to take her seriously, despite how cool the idea of UFOs is to contemplate.

Is Elzzie playing with us, or is she serious? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what I do know: who I’m voting for in 2028. Why? Because it’s not about whether she was serious or satirical in the end. It’s about the friends we made along the way. And, whether or not I will ever take her seriously as a practitioner of interdimensional magick involving aliens, I will always take her seriously as a (Discord) friend. Best of luck, Elzzie.